Jealousy

I don't like to accuse people of being jealous of me because it begs the question "what is so good about you?" Therefore I will speak of those with jealous dispositions. It's not me they are jealous of, they are jealous of what they want that they think I have/am/do.

I think I am finally understanding jealously, someone who aspires to be or have what they think you are/have. Most jealous people probably pass for a pal, they are that pal that makes derogatory statements at every opportunity.

My dear older cousin and I had this discussion today. She told me that in life, when you are young you are basically on equal footing with your peers. Everyone is finding their way and doing similar things.

As you get older people find their path and branch out, some set themselves apart and seem to progress, that is when friendships end. Some will look at you and may begin to put down progress you appear to be making. You will make them feel inferior and they like to be above. That friendship won't work.

You are okay as long as you are from comparable backgrounds, and they are currently above you. If you seem to surpass what they want for themselves, you become competition and they must bring you down.

I told my cousin about a girl that told her best friend that I had a trust fund from my wealthy father, didn't have to work, lived a carefree life, and went to law school on a whim. I asked her why she told this lie and she said to make the girl jealous because that is what the girl would like for herself.

My cousin thought the things the girl was lying about were things she also wanted and that she had to uplift herself by leaving the other girl twisting in the wind. Both individuals were unhappy with their self. One felt the need to lie, the other felt hurt because she thought someone had what she didn't.

I have learned that the girl who told this lie seems to believe it. I have never told her anything about my father, in fact she told me she thought he was dead since I rarely mention him. She told me that I should have my father give me money for my wedding since he has all that money he isn't spending. I just looked at her.

First I don't need her, nor did I invite her into my wedding finances and second why is she trying to get into my parents finances? Is it normal for people to ask how much you are spending on a wedding? I've never thought to ask anyone that question. I just want to know if the cake is buttercream.

My cousin said she advises her kids to look at, how people are. Some people attach themselves to you based on something they want that you have, it could be social status, friends, etc. Don't get caught up in it.

It's okay to have these people as acquaintances but don't get too deep. You will have true friends but they can probably be counted on one hand.

I'm learning that lesson. People have told me that the girl is jealous and I've tried to figure out why she should be jealous. I am still building.

As I reflect on it the things she has done and say to me, I realize her goal was build an image. I never paid attention until recently and now she does her best to find a way to criticize anything surrounding me and uplift herseilf in words.

Fighting to Keep It All

I've been trying to think of creative ways to keep my house with the furniture in it and have an apartment and life in L.A. My house is too cute to let go.

I want to lease it to a friend but only certain friends, I don't want the place to become a den of iniquity because I may want to return to it sometime.

Today my mom informed me that my sister's best friend from high school is planning to return to the Bay. This best friend has been away for over 10 years, college in Atl, then life in Atl, then Texas, but she wants to return. YAAAYYYYY!! because I really like this girl, I was said when she left Ga. because she was the best tour guide and hostess ever, although she usually came and stayed in the hotel with us

So if I can rent my house to her for $500, I'll be able to maintain the house and she'll get a great deal because she won't find rent cheaper than that. My only requirement will be that I can leave my things in the house, which also helps her because she doesn't have to worry about furnishings.

Too many thoughts, if I can settle this case I have real quick then it also won't be an issue. Let's send positive thoughts that this case will settle with enough cash for me keep the house here, live there, eat and shop.

Provisions

My grandmother had a couple of birdbaths, my mother does too.

God uses people to help his people out. The birds could go to the lake or some other source to get water, but they can also stop by the house and help themselves.

When I look and see the birds making use of the baths at their leisure, I think that God used my grandmother and mother to help some of his creatures. Usually I don't pay attention to the birds but every so often one will catch my attention and I think if God can assist his bird, he'll certainly make provisions for me.

I used to have a neighbor that would feed the birds. The birds never pooped on his car, they didn't poop on ours either, although sometimes they'd get close, but perhaps when you help, you won't be hurt by the help you've given.

THE ONE

The ONE does exist.
The one that lifts my heart when I'm mad, sad, or blue.
The one that comforts me without saying a word.
The one whose existance makes me smile inside.
The one that gives hope to thoughts of my future.
The one whom money or beauty isn't an issue.

The one who seems to understand what I'm saying.
The one I love even when I'm upset.
The one who supports me when I feel wronged by others.
The one I want even when we don't agree.
The one who loves me with my imperfections.
The one who loves me when I think I'm right and they know I'm wrong.

The one that keeps me feeling special.
The one that keeps me feeling beautiful.
The one that makes me believe I can achieve anything.
The one whom being without seems unthinkable.
The one who seems to have always been there.

The one whom I want to please
The one whose pleasure is my joy
The one I want to honor and cherish
The one I want to tell and keep telling everyone about.

I have THE ONE.

ALIVE

I made it back from Palm Springs alive.

This may not seem like a major feat to some but I could have died.

I went to Palm Springs with my guy, his friend and the wife of his friend. On Saturday the girl and I planned to go shopping, the guys went to play golf. The girl and I got severely lost, then got bad directions. We ended up circling the San Bernandino Mountains, in the middle of a storm. We were traveling on a two lane, windy road, at 4000 feet, with nowhere to go but down if we slipped. The signs said "icy" and "rock slide area."

We were told that if we took the 74 we would travel for about 15 minutes and end up at the 10 freeway and could head back to the freeway and be about 20 minutes from the shopping stores. We thought about turning around and asked a man how far was the freeway, he looked at his map and said about 10 miles. Well about 70 miles later we were still driving, we considered turning around but kept deciding not to because we had went so far and didn't know if the freeway would be the next mile. We finally got down off the mountain and found that we were 76 miles from San Diego.

We entered a town that appeared to be Mayberry, it was like a movie, both of us envisioned ourselves as the victims in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

The proprieter of the general store told us that the way we traveled was a short cut from San Diego to Palm Springs and that if we took the highway it would be a little over 2 hours but the mountainous route was 45 minutes. So we headed back the way we came, and went back into the storm and terrifying curves of the moutains. The drive was longer than 45 minutes, but perhaps because San Diego residents drive 100 at all times, it would be 45 minutes to them. If I had a picture you might be scared of the road we traveled. We were so close to the edge of the cliff, and looking down the rocky mountains, was the most frightening sensation I know.

On our way back to Palm Springs we drove through the arc of a rainbow. That was a awe inspiring experience. We were able to see where it began and ended and went underneath it. That must mean some sort of blessing on our lives.

Strangest thing about the route we took is that is was very well traveled, There was a constant stream of cars, speeding as if the rain and muddy roads didn't exist.

MY GUY

The fella and I are still together. We are still alive, he and I almost died, not from discovering that we were incompatible but from Nicole induced drama. But I won't get all mushy and detailed on my blog, but there really must be someone for everyone because he remains patient and rational throughout all the drama I bring, even when I have dramaed myself out.

A letter 2 Love...

Dear Love,

You are a tough nut to crack. I don't really understand you. It doesn't seem like anyone does. Lots of folks doubt you exist. Lots of folks search for you endlessly. Others are counting down the days until you disappear.

Sir Love, what is it about you that creates such strong emotion? Fear, happiness, joy, pain, you bring it all. Why do you have this effect on people? Is it because YOU are a four-letter word?

Everyone seems to want you. Some are jealous of you, some mistrust and some acknowledge their need for you. Love you've been very busy, everyone seems to have a story about you.

Love are you so powerful that you can really last forever and another day? That's what Stevie said. People make promises to take care of you, and keep you forever. Do some make that promise with the knowledge they won't keep it? do some really intend to keep it only to later realize you weren't there? Love do you really leave people? I can.not. believe that you would do that. I think if you come, you are permanent.

I am a firm believer in you Sir Love. I know there are those that pretend to be you, like Mr. Infatuation or even Desperation. They are dangerous and they know how to emulate you so well. I think they are the reasons people question your existence. They were fooled by the tions. Sir Love I think you are apparent and honest, and I think when you are there, you can't be denied.

Love are you aware that some folks use your name for power? It's awful but some use you to get sex, money, control.

I sigh because I respect you love, I was raised with you, taken care of because of you, had friends because of you, changed for the better by you, with the goal to always be better for you.

Love I think you are eternal, be you familial, romantic, friend or whatever, the memory of you extends past the life of those who possessed you.  I want you and I to last through forever and another day.

Street Life

My mother and I were on our way to a 3 p.m. Sunday church service. She was the musican for one of the guest choirs. So we arrived about 3:30. The church is in a high crime part of town. But it's Sunday afternoon and most violence tends to occur at night.

We parked our car, got out and proceeded toward the church. All of a sudden there is a *!?*! crash. We look and notice a car accident, a woman is sitting in the car that got hit. She wasn't doing too much moving, but visually the accident wasn't that bad. I can't remember what happened to the car that hit the woman, but perhaps he was also stalled.

So my mother hurries over to the car. I quickly survey the situation and advise her not to go. She looks at me like I'm crazy and says, "this woman may need help. I want to make sure none of these guys steal her purse." So she saw the guys and thought thief, I saw the guys and got another feeling. I walked slowly in the opposite direction and yelled for her to come on.

As soon as she got to the car, this big ni**a, swerves and jumps out of his car and starts yelling at another guy that is standing around. I'm thinking the guy that just pulled up must be the son of the woman that got hit and wants to fight the guy that caused the accident.

So when I saw this guy swerve and make that ghetto stop, I began to run and made one last yell for my mother to come on. At the point I began to run about 30 feet seperate me from my mother.

The guy he is after is running right behind me. I never looked around but I knew the guy that was doing the chasing had a large gun. Don't ask me how I knew, but probably from the way the crowd around him took off when he jumped out the car.
But I could almost feel the gun shots hitting me. (although no shots were fired) I was praying the guy he was after would cross the street, so I wouldn't get caught in the cross fire.

When the gunman had got out his car, the person who got the best look at his gun was my mother. She said it was huge. If you ask her she'll describe it for you.

So when my mother saw the gun she also took off running. Now recall I said when I started running she was about 30 feet distant from me? Well she ran past the guy with the gun,past the guy he was chasing and past me.

When we got to the church lot, the kids at the church who happened to see the whole thing said "Sis Bonnie, we didn't know you could run like that."

So I turned into the church lot barefoot. I had run out of my clogs.

So my mother told me to go inside and call the police. All I could do was collapse when I got inside. I called them but I could barely speak.

The pastor went out and got my shoes and brought them to me as I laid on the floor of the church office. I was on the floor because I imagined gunfire whizzing past my head.

When I saw my mother again, I told her, "I told you not to go over there." I also told her that she should have went the way everyone else ran, instead of running with the gunman.

But for about 3 weeks before this incident my mother had had a kink in her back that wouldn't go away. She could barely wear heels. As a matter of fact on that very day she was walking tender like because the pain of the kink. But since the day of the run, which is over 5 years ago, she hasn't had that problem with her back again.

The battle is not yours. That simple statement says so much. Once we stop fighting our own battles things get so much better. I mean there are some things that you can handle on you own, but there is so much other stuff that lacks any impact and just serves to upset us. So why battle? Usually when the battle is done, we don’t feel any better, we just have a story about how petty we behaved.

I’m trying not to let the inconsequential things upset me because 1.) that’s what the other person wants, or 2). that’s not what they want and they are just socially inept and mean no harm. or 3). they just have an mean personality. In either situation getting upset is foolish and perhaps harmful.

Momentarily things may still get me, perhaps that’s just my nature but once I think about it, I realize, “it ain’t that serious.”

Once I was in a deposition and my client got crazy with the opposing counsel. That woman got black. I had to ask for a break. The counsel took me outside and said “Nicole, you better talk to your client because if he wants to go there I will take it there. I don’t know how you deal with that man.”

I’m thinking, “your client is probably paying you $250+ an hour, let him act stupid.”

So I take my client outside and tell him to behave. He was giddy almost skipping. The fact that he was able to upset her, put him on a super high. After that he kept telling me that she couldn’t handle him.

Another work story is a white lawyer that practically cursed me out, outside of court. This was my first solo lawsuit and I was making multiple motions that required him to do extra work on short notice. For one of the motions, we were in the clerks office and he said “I had to stay up all night and spend my weekend responding to this crap, I don’t appreciate all the time I have to spend for this sh*t.” He said a whole lot more but I can’t recall the details.

I said “Don’t they pay you over at "High-Brow" law firm? What are you whining about, I’m helping your firm get billables.” (his client was an insurance company. If my client is an insurance company, please drag that thing out at make it last forever)

He replied “oh they pay me very well, but I bet you aren’t getting paid.” I just looked at him. I wasn’t getting paid, but I didn’t share that with him. I was representing the plaintiff on a contingency basis.

Anyway I realized that the man was stressed out so I kept giving him motions, and yes the settlement happened shortly thereafter. I did however bring my father to court each time after that, I felt the need for a male presence just in case the man went postal. But I didn’t let him know I was fearful of bodily harm or that I was totally shocked by his tone and comments.

Never let them see you sweat, in fact don’t sweat. It ain’t that serious.

Answered Prayer

I didn't hear myself pray
But I guess he really does know the heart
An inner yearning so deep and suppressed even to the one in need

The prayer was answered
Without my assistance
Without my interference

Some things I have been given the strength to do
Every thing else I have turned over
I didn't realize I had turned this over

I knew I had let it go
He gave it back in a way better than my understanding
Positivity and love has been my gift

A gift greater than any I could have requested
or known to request
It's amazing what he'll do if we let him
I finally know what that means

Note to Self

Are you tripping off the trivial sh*t?
Come on now how long does that crap last?
Were you briefly offended?
What the ****?
Move the **** on.

If you think about it, it's amusing
Laugh and I bet you'll catch on
The humour is.....it's silly
And if has no effect on your soul

They could even steal you life
But didn't you say you believed in God?
That's not the end
It only sped up the inevitable

It's unfortunate that you were mometarily caught off guard
But now you are on your guard
Knowledge is your power

The world isn't a horrible place
It's the place you let it be
If the joy is yours no one can steal it
No one can erase that inside smile

Mere words can be piercing
but don't let them harden your shell
Stay soft, someone needs it

Don't let the past control your present nor future
If you do, the person who did this to you wins
Do you really want such trifling behavior to change who you are?
Can you handle knowing that yout life, your love, you
has been reset by someone who never meant you any good?

Um, but you don't have to be stupid to be smart

Beautiful Day

Laid back and chill
Of course you can call
Intelligent with edge
Holla at your girl

Social yet private
Great mix
Name brand educated and still real
Yum

Modest with reason & room to brag
Thank you Lord for an unvain man
Loves his family in deed and word
A heart of gold

Attentive without the smother
A necessary balance
Proper etiquette and manly with it
Sexy

Beautiful dichotomy
A blend of spice with nice
A gentleman that can let the woman be strong
Whoa. Why are you single? Oh- you’re not.

Need to Impress

Well a particular "friend" (I'll call her Ms. Chick) in my life has begun to show her true colors. She's always shown them but now she seems to have lost control of how to manage them. She acts so bougie. Notice I say act. I enjoy true bougie, but fake is awful. But I never hate on her, I allow her to be who and how she wants to be. She tries to portray a cultured image. But folks can cultivate the type of persona they want.

In law school, I wondered why she didn't get along with any of the other black people and years later I realized its because she is super competitive and has to be the most fabulous. My personality allows people to be as fabulous as they want. I even will encourage an ego. I'm happy with who I am, so why would I begrudge someone the joy of pretending to be who they want to be? Practice makes perfect and maybe one day she'll be that person. I'm realizing that these type of personalites are bred of insecurity.

Well Ms. Chick is getting on edge with me. I think she is trying to test my finances. But I won't let them be tested. I'll happily get out her mix. I know how much money I've got, I know how much I can spend and I feel no need to attempt to live beyond my means just to make someone think how I'm living is in my means.

Well for years Ms. Chick had been extolling to me the greatness of her boyfriend. I never doubted anything she told me. Why the heck would she need to lie, and especially to me. For the length of time I've known her, almost 9 years now, I've just now got a serious relationship. So why lie to the single girl? The fact that she had a man was more than I had, so why make up stories about his wealth, and business prowess.

Just this past year she lied to me about his office space. Yes ya'll something that trivial. The lie she told was 100% voluntary. I didn't ask her anything about her man. Liars are bad, but I think they are worse when they volunteer a lie. If you lie for protection, you can feign justification, but when you volunteer, folks know you lack somethings.

So today I found out this grand office space her boyfriend has is virtual office space. But this lie let me know that what the hairdresser said was correct. "Ms. Chick is trying to impress you, she is jealous, negative, not professional and your business will do better if she's not around." It's some other stuff going on too.

Ms. Chick always tells me how much she makes. I don't care, I can't spend her money. She has spent the year telling me she was going to buy a house because she made so much and needed the deduction. Well I happened to fall into a house that exceeds the purchase price she had set for herself. I think that upset her, because like I said, now she is trying to test my finances. I had to tell her my mortgage comes first.

So I'm moving on, saving some money and perhaps with the money I save I'll do something nice for myself. Ms. Chick has unknowingly done me a money saving, comfort giving favor.

Romance

The rain is romance
It brings its own lighting
No need to close the blinds in the daytime
It inspires a cuddle
As I listen to the sound of the rain and hear his heartbeat

The rain is my permission to wear my comfortable clothes
Romance doesn't feel like silk
It feels like flannel, warm and comforting
It feels like cashmere, smooth and soft
When it rains I want flannel, I want cashmere
I want him

The rain wants me to slow things down
That's romance, no rush
Time to savor the warmth, the joy, the peace
Each raindrop is like a kiss
Perfect

Married Life

I'm not married but I am on day 6 of my guy's week visit. It's been fun, we've had some disagreements, we've conquered them and his presence hasn't annoyed me nor has it made me think living with a man and him in particular would be unbearable. Mostly its been very enjoyable. The strangest part for me is the bathroom situation. I had always assumed that I would need a minimum of 2 bathrooms to have a successful marriage. I only have one bathroom and except for the shock of seeing the toilet seat up, I haven't been disgusted by what I imagined a man's bathroom habits to be.

Although whenever I'm at his house, I've never noticed the seat being left up. I question this? No - I don't think he is harboring a woman in his home but I know that the toilet seat is always down. Things that make me go hmmm?

We've even managed to get along with just one t.v. He loves football and sports and we have found a happy medium between my shows and his. In fact my soap opera just came on and he seems intent to shower for the entire hour.

Well I've actually been cooking, and enjoying it. My domestic tendencies are showing. I like preparing meals and since he's a better cook than myself, I've learned to make a couple things.

Perhaps this is the honeymoon phase. Whatever it is I'm going with and enjoying the flow.

Getting Up Early

Is the time you wake an indicator of success? I don't know Oprah, Donald Trump or Bill Gates but I bet they get up very early. The few people that I do know that have amazing success at a young age, barely sleep and they are loving what they do.

I always intend to start my day at 6:30 and on many mornings I'm up by that time, but getting out the house before 9:30 is another story.

I hear "A" list celebrities talk about their early morning calls and leaving home at 3 a.m. so they can be ready to film at 8 or 9 a.m.

I'm thinking I need to get up early and actually get things done. Plus, I'm thinking if I'm enjoying what I do it won't be a drag to get up, as Dr. Phil said about doing what you love, I'd want to sleep fast, so I could start the day again.

Spreading the Word

Many of my thoughts center around work. I'm self employed and doing my best to start a second venture that has been my dream for more than 10 years now.

So I've been spreading the word. At first I didn't want to share my dream (outisde of my family) because if it didn't work out I didn't want folks asking me what happened. But as I've began to share, most people want to help or be a part of it, or recommend me to someone that has some assistance to offer to me.

Well at a house party thrown by my mother this Sunday, I asked my aunt if she knew a woman who owns a very successful ad agency. I have been trying to find a connection to this lady for a couple of months. I've also been trying to find a connection to anyone in the advertising world.

Well I don't know if this ad lady is a Delta, (a couple years back our newspaper had an article about the deb ball her daughter was in and I knew it wasn't the AKA affair and I thought it was Delta) and since my aunt is a Delta and around her age I thought perhaps their paths may have crossed somewhere. My aunt didn't personally know her and couldn't provide me with a direct link to her.

So I was telling my brother the story about my search for this woman and how our aunt didn't know her. He posseses a photographic memory and recalled that the deb ball was put on by the Links, so the woman might not be a Delta. He also told me he knew the woman. She had contacted him regarding some business relating to the company he works for, told her she knew him and he assisted her.

He promised to send her an email with the request that she have a conversation with me about my business venture.

I'm super excited and realizing that in business spreading the word can sometimes be beneficial and spreading the word to the correct people is even better. I was asking the wrong people.

Magical Date

Okay this blog is about a date I had, my guy reads my blog so he's gonna have to read about himself in this one.

Well this date was magical because it consisted of my favorite things and my guy didn't even know they were my favorite things.

So I'm there visiting ( almost 300 miles seperate us) this was probably our first couple outing, first time without family and/or friends.


The conversation went something like this

Him: So what do you want to do?
Me: Anything is fine. (I know guys actually want an answer when they ask that)
Him: Do you want to see a movie?
Me: Nope, we can't talk during the movie.
Him: Do you like Jamba Juice?
Me: Yes, I do (super excited, I lu-uvvv Jamba Juice , I drink them when I want to treat myself)
Him: Well I thought we could go to Jamba Juice and my favorite Sushi bar is right next to it, so we could go there
Me: Sushi? you eat sushi? What kind?

Ladies I wanted to jump with glee. Sushi is what I eat when I want to treat myself . Sushi for me is like my permission to relax and just enjoy. Jamba Juice is the same thing. Plus both are so expensive cuz it takes much Sushi to get full. This man was offering me three of my favorite things without even realizing it. Him, sushi and Jamba Juice. Ya'll I had to tell him.

Me: I usually only eat sushi when I get paid, it's how I treat myself.
Him: smile
Me: And I love Jamba Juice, I drink it when I want to treat myself. I never imagined that I'd ever have a man that I really like, sushi and Jamba Juice all together. It's like my fairytale.

The small pleasures in life really mean so much. This is not some fru fru guy either, he isn't petite nor does he drink tea with his pinky out. He's like a football kinda dude, which makes it all the better. A man with a liking for delicacies.

The day was beautiful, there was an art festival and we walked along and looked at the various sidewalk art and yes, he held my hand.

I sigh just thinking about it.

Side note: the best thing about my building is that it is across the street from my brother's building. In the middle of writing this blog we took a walk to the bank. I didn't want to go to the bank but being self employed I sometimes have to work on my clients cash schedule. We have lunch together on lots of days and sometimes we run errands together. It's fun. END SIDENOTE.

SOCIAL HANDICAP

Those people who you just can't stand and who everyone else you know can't stand either.Many of us have met people that don't like us and whom we don't like for whatever reason or for no reason at all, I'm speaking of people who kill the comfort of a crowd. They may have other attributes like intelligence but were not blessed and never developed social graces.

Social handicap crosses gender lines, I've met a couple dudes I just couldn't stand and who seemed to make the room annoyed by their presence. I've only met one chick who has this handicap. I'm somewhat indifferent towards her for the most part but I get a kick from watching how strangers respond to her. It's not so much the attitude she has, but the actual words that come from her mouth. Always critical, seeking attention, trying to portray an image of class, quality and means and being one of the cheapest people, with no idea of quality you'd never wanna meet.

At social functions strangers from various regions of the country insult her, mostly men, women just hurry and move away. The funny thing is she thinks she doesn't like women and that women are too trifling for her to mingle with. It's actually the women who dread being in her prescence. But don't get it twisted she insults folks to their face, seeming to be oblivous of what she is saying. She looks at the guys in the club and negatively critiques them from head to toe. So when the odd guy takes out the time to break her down, everyone in earshot brims with glee.

A couple friends have analyzed critical chick and have come to the conclusion that she was probably unattractive and very unpopular during her formative years and now subconsciously has to get attention of any kind. No one has come up with any explanations as to why she's so mean and critical. Maybe it's because she doesn't like anyone, which she doesn't appear to.

Someone out there may think this blog is about them, but as the singer lady says "you're so vain, you probably think this song is about you." If you pay me 10k I'll cook you dinner and let you know who critical chick is.

Shout Out to My Girls

To my girlfriends (cousins included) thanks for being my friend and girl.

The older I get the more I realize that I am blessed to have girlfriends. If I want to shop at Target or any other store they'll be available and they'll look at the same things I'm looking at. We both say "uohou" at the same time over something really cute. They help me choose dishware, furniture, holiday cards, shoes (shoe shopping is much more fun with a girlfriend), razors, makeup, deodarant, underwear, and make knowlegable assessments when I want to buy a cute pair of underwear that I know won't fit. Anything that a girl at heart coo's over, we coo together.

If I feel wronged by a guy they are there to encourage me. They help pick me up and listen to me whine. They are available to go to the gym, dinner, movies, and just hang out.

If I'm having some strange physical occurence they will tell a story about themself or someone they know who had the same thing happen and the conclusion of that thing.

Ladies get a hard time sometimes and mostly by other women, but for me, my girlfriends have shared in some of the best experiences of my life. I've never been without them and I hope I always have them. When I reflect upon my most fun college days, they were events with the girls. Did someone say "to have a friend you have to be a friend" or did I make that up?

My girls are not trifling, they are not bitches, they are not jealous, they are not selfish and they accept me and love me even when I may portray some of those previously listed failings. They are there to give a hug and support, and emotions more useful then the logical advice a man always wants to provide.

Perhaps its from having a sister and lots of girl cousins but I've always preferred the company and conversation of my girls over the company and conversation of the guys. I trust that the things my girls tell me aren't from jealously nor because they are hating on me.

I'm realizing that I have developed strong female relationships. Although one of my oldest and best friends is a guy, (hopefully) soon he will get a wife and the terms of our friendship will have to change. I think it would be selfish of me to want things any other way. In fact it happened during his last serious relationship. But although we are great friends, its not as special and intimate as that between me and my girls. I don't need pretense with the ladies.

I'm looking forward to my bachleorette party, so the girls and I can have fun and be silly. But we will not have a stripper. Whoever is in on the planning, do not bring a stripper to my thang. Girls only.

Now that I have a great boyfriend, I'm even more grateful for the girls. When he sends me a poem, they will sigh with me, and when they see me smile when I talk to him, they are there to say "I like him" and make me remember to appreciate him all the more. Plus when he wants to hang out with the guys (as he did this weekend, when I wanted some of his time- yeah Mr. Man I'm talking about you) my girl/cousin Aaliyah talked to me on the phone, listened to me vent and helped me get my mind off my annoyance).

Can you beat having a true girlfriend?

Experience with God

I've been thinking about my relationship with God recently. I realized that I had lost my connection to God and allowed myself to become distant from him. My relationship with my guy made me consider this. I think the God in me was hidden and I don't think God can be hidden if he is truly in you. So based on some discussion and conflict with my guy I had to reevaluate exactly what God meant to me and how I was serving and honoring him.

I think I had been subconsciously ignoring God and his direction for my life. So although religion has caused some conflict in my relationship, my relationship has brought me an awareness of what I should be doing.

So on to my experience with God
Last night I woke up (although I don't know if I even went to sleep) and couldn't seem to get back to sleep, I wasn't feeling at peace. It was a hard to explain feeling that something was missing. A couple days ago I said a quick prayer that the Lord would help me get back to him. I think my heart had hardened toward God and I had lost conscience about doing things that normally would have been unthinkable to me. Nothing huge but I'm sure most people start small and progress.

Anyway I think the Lord was dealing with me during my attempt at sleep and not allowing me rest. As I laid there and figured out what I could do to tire myself, I thought about working, counting, making a phone call, anything, then I asked God to enter and fill the emptiness I felt. I soon felt a completeness like I had not felt in a long while. I felt like the Lord had heard me and worked on me. And the good feeling, the feeling of knowing is back in my life. I thank the boyfriend for making me realize that I needed to reconnect.