Dwelling

Is it just me or are there people that need others to dwell in spots of darkness? I understand that some people like to remain, remember and re-live the dark moments of their life, but why do they want others to do the same? Some don't allow past moments of difficulty to be an experience they overcame and grow from, they need it to be a defining moment that negatively impacts aspects of their life.

There are people who would have us believe that if your parents divorced your likelihood of divorce increases. That you are battling a generational curse. My parents divorced and my mother told me as a child to ignore that madness because YOU don't have to get divorced. People with their single mother statistics. God defies statistics.

My maternal and paternal grandparents were married, each of their parents were married and each of their parents were married until death parted them. Now if I said that was a generational blessing that my marriage was under, folks would get annoyed, but people would be favorable if I spoke of a curse.

My mother raised a Ph.D pyschologist/politician/entrepenuer, executive/politician/entrepreneur lawyer/entrepreneur. In his 20's my brother was 3rd from the top at a large quasi-governmental agency, in his 20's he was the youngest elected person in the state. He had 3 different jobs in 2007, each one paid more than the last. My sister earns more than all of us and she isn't a lawyer or a MD. I'm the least successful and standing alone people think I'm pretty successful. My mother didn't raise any crack heads, jail birds, lazy, underemployed folks or children she couldn't boast about. When people ask her what she did, she tells them she didn't know how to raise kids, God helped her. A person can grow up with 0 parents but if God is in the mix, they will be blessed.

I believe I have led an extremely blessed life. The greatest blessing is that I come from a lineage of people that understand God's gift of peace. I truly believe my family has been granted the gift of generational blessings. If you ask me I will share all of my blessings. If you ask me to tell you who did me wrong at any time in life, I will tell you God has blessed me with peace and not the spirit of dwelling in unhappiness. People like to say "we all have one of those relatives." No, I don't have any of them because both sides of my family are blessed and we exist in the belief that God delivers.

Sorry if my happiness and hope doesn't make people feel better about their misery and strife but all I can recommend is Jesus. Try him. Marx said religion is the opiot of the people. Let that be your opiot. Let it sooth you and pacify you. Let it give you hope that your past and mistakes are forgiven that you don't have to dwell in that bad place because God heals and delivers, minds, bodies, emotions, whatever else. Let it provide hope that even if you only have -$10 to your name, your needs will be met. If God is loving you, you won't get focused on the earthly trappings people fight to hold onto, in the quest for calm.

God has kept me in good health and even during my times of sickness, I said I am well, I am healed. In my times of sadness I have sad I am happy. My mom always said so a man thinketh so is he. I think I am wealthy, therefore I am. God has met all my needs, financial, health wise and everything else.

If all I ever give my kids is the gift of where to find peace and how to keep hope, I think I'll have made them wealthy.

P.S. if anyone is ever looking for a hard luck, woe is me story it won't be found here. As long as I believe God has not abandoned me, I will always find the positive in my life.

Husbands Mothers and Nipples

Last night my nipple began tingling, a painful tingle. I checked it out and it appears that one was ripping apart. I showed Mr A and his response was not satisfactory. He said something like they are growing. He's a man- so he has a handicap.

Last night when we went to bed I told him I didn't know what to do about my dilemna. He told me it isn't a dilemna. I tried to role play to show him the correct way to respond to my cries but he refused. He believes its his job to remain calm as I go overboard. I think there are times when he should join me in over that board and when my nipple is shredding, than thats the time.

This morning as I was carrying my morning snack (not breakfast) into the kitchen I began screaming to my mother that my nipple was broken. After she snatched my tray telling me I was gonna drop it (gotta make sure the carpets aren't stained) she inspected it. Pregnancy has seen me reintroduce my various body parts to my mother. She groaned a bit in exasperation and told me to moisturize it, put some vaseline on it.

I did and it worked. She told me the vaseline works better than the tears. I think anyone would cry if the fabric rubbing against their nipple was causing pain. She knows I'm a crybaby anyway.

I'm going to put vaseline in my purse. That stuff is good for everything.

In other good things I was reading about my trimester of pregnancy and it said round ligament pain was one of the things to look forward to. Sharp, stabbing pain was one of the treats, as various things stretched. Too bad I read that after spending a couple hours in ER.

Mr. A has a young cousin (early 20's) who is due a month or so before me and she has been to ER 4 times. She said every time she goes they tell her "you are pregnant." I personally appreciate reasons, tell me what is going on. On my first visit to the doctor, when I told my doctor I was feeling awful like someone had beat me up and all about my aches and what not, she said that was normal. I had to ask her again, 'its normal to feel miserable?'

I've been feeling pretty good lately. I entered my 2nd trimester while in the Bay and if I go back to L.A. and start feeling crappy then I'll attribute it to the air.

We were supposed to go back after Mr. A's ski trip, but snow in the grapevine has required us to reschedule. I have an appearance on Friday that I'm hoping I don't have to reschedule.

I also want Mr. and his friend to paint the living room when we return. I already know the color, I'll be copying off my brothers living room. I think I might rearrange the furniture. I haven't done that in a while. I'm in a domestic type of mood. Blame it on HGTV.

Old Mama

My grandmother used to say and my mother agreed that women that had their first baby later in life tend to be overprotective and act as if the baby will break.

Now I know there are a lot of people who say having your kids young means you have less but both of my grandmothers were married and having kids at 19. Both lived in California and left inheritance and income for their grandchildren. You make yourself poor, not children. None of their offspring have to be homeless or move to cheaper areas because they left provisions.

My maternal family is having a reunion this summer and I mentioned to Mr. A that I might leave TR with my paternal aunt. I told him the baby would only be 2 months and people might try to pick baby up, not know how to hold the head and overwhelm the baby. Mr. A said if its warm he'd like the baby to come and people who don't know to hold a babies head wouldn't be picking baby up.

So I'm thinking that theory on older mamas is true. I'm going to do my best not to be that over the top mother but not ignore basic safety and mother instinct.

Even though I'll be an old momma, I'm not one who will claim that its better that I waited to have kids. I would have loved to be a young mother. I was asking my mother if she had a pregnancy as uncomfortable as mine and she said no. I figured she didn't otherwise she probably wouldn't have had 4 kids.

The unfortunate thing is that with educated black people deferring children into their infertility (I know they are waiting for marriage and once married income enough to allow them to be SAHM) my kids might have to go to another country to find a mate. Am I the only one that read the stats that have black folks as a single digit percentage of the population in the next 20 or so years?

Is it great that we are doing things so right that we aren't doing them at all?

Money and Marriage

I was randomly calculating numbers and realized that after taxes and retirement contributions (I added those in to reduce income and lower taxes) a couple that works and has a combined income of $160k a year isn't much better off financially than a couple with only one working spouse that makes 100k a year. Clearly I have too much time on my hands, but I read about that couple on S30's blog and started running numbers. I only calculated based on federal tax.

My calculations assumed the couples had similar expenses. Once children and child care enters, and depending on the cost of child care, you realize that the dual income couple may be losing money. Is working really worth it when your increase as a family is only 20k or so.


But that is boring stuff.


I had more but we're having family time, I need to join it.

update:

HERE I GO AGAIN

I told Mr A about my post. He disagrees with me. He'll have to guest appear on his position. His reading of this blog has decreased so who knows when he'll read and post. I think I have too many blogs for him to read them each regularly. I think we black folks need to work on populating the earth not allowing ourselves to become extinct. I also think we should be building wonderful families. I don't know what's happening that we aren't doing the family creation in large numbers.

I asked him who will our children marry and he said he prays they will marry a person raised by a well-balanced couple.

So I told Mr. A that maybe we can start meeting other parents so we can build a network of potential marriage candidates for our children. Mr. A's response made me suspect I'm acting like the old mother. I'm trying to marry off my unborn children. I will step away from the ledge- sorta. I still think its a good idea to make sure they mingle at an early age, but I won't push.

The Sky is more Beautiful

Nervous Nelly

The various things going on with my body are often confusing or surprising and sometimes frightening.

I can't tell if the baby is kicking me, adjusting itself or if I'm being pinched from the inside i.e. pain. My mom said baby movement doesn't hurt, its more of a tickle.

Tuesday night I think the baby was kicking, but the sensation was weird. Mr. A put his hand on the spot and could feel the hits.

Wednesday I tooka CPR class and learned infant CPR, it was great. We had a lunch break and Mr. A and I went to Jamba Juice. I began drinking my drink and felt like TR was protesting. When I was leaving class a couple of hours later, I started feeling pain in my right side. We stopped by Burger King and I felt better. On our way to Burger King I called my Dr. in L.A. and the nurse said if I'm feeling pain and am out of town I should go to ER. She also said if I was bleeding. I wasn't bleeding but I was hurting and it was a constant hurt so I went to ER. The length of the pain was maybe 8 minutes, but it didn't feel good and I was nervous of what was occuring.

We went to ER and waited for a while and I realized the hospital couldn't do anything for me anyway so I left. They don't even have an OB/GYN department there anymore, its now at the sister hospital in Berkeley. I would have liked an IV but I wasn't willing to wait hours for that. The hospital was having a busy time because the trauma hospital was diverting people. They had all types of codes and life threatening situations.

People use ER for their doctor and the system wasn't built for that. We also live in Oakland where people get shot and have major injuries on a regular basis. We're also the closet trauma center for folks in a bunch of nearby citites, so if the trauma center diverts people, it can create a mess. I digress.

The pain had ended before we got to the hospital and I was getting hungry as we waited.

When we get back to L.A. I have an appt with my doctor. I asked the nurse at ER if they could put the dopplar on me so I could hear TR's heartbeat. They didn't have that piece of equipment.

Being an unborn baby and an old person is tough. The medical community and lots of other people seem to think that your life is less valuable either because you haven't begun to "live" or because you've lived long enough.

I've read that unborn babies feel pain and will move away from the aminiocentis needle and even that during late term abortions they have been heard to cry, they have developed taste buds and recognize language. They know their moms voice at birth and recognize specific sentences they have heard their father repeat. The fact that they can't hold their head up and wear a diaper makes folks think they are barely there.

Babies are people too. Babies in the womb are people too.

Baby A has a NAME!!!...... Kinda

I told Mr. A that we need to figure out what to call Baby A because we've been calling the baby 'he'or Baby A. We don't know that its a boy but since the men in Mr. A's family seem predisposed to producing male children the likelihood that we''ll get a boy is great. Plus Mr. A says he needs a son first, otherwise he'll go to jail beating up the little boys that mess with his girl. So to save him from prison I'm willing to defer my girl. I don't want to call the baby "he" if Baby A is a girl. What if baby arrives with gender confusion?

Mr. A is from a family of 3 boys, his father is from a family of 4 boys and 1 girl, his paternal male cousins have boys. I do expect a girl in the future because I need a cutie that I can dress up in cute little clothes, and do all the fun mom-daughter things with and have that mother daugther drama that you get through and grow together after. When she's an adult she'll tell her own children about that teenage beatdown her sweet mommy gave her when R forgot who was really grown. Ohhhh, I look forward to those times.

Today Mr. A announced Baby A's temporary name. It's TR, the potential initials of a boy or a girl. TR won't recieve a permanent name until its arrival and we see the gender and the type of disposition TR possesses. I'm trying to remain cheery so the baby pops out joyful and friendly- if sleepy.

I'm very pleased that Mr. A figured out something more personal that we can call Baby A.

In other things, I am willing to do this pregnancy thing 9-10 months because I want TR to arrive healthy and fully developed, but if I'd had a say in how babies are made, I'd have made it a much quicker process. Maybe some people need 9 months to get used to the idea, but I'm ready to put this passenger in a crib.

HMMM....Ramble ramble

I know some folks were quite disturbed back during my engagement when I blogged almost daily about love and such. Well, if your stomach is weak you might want to stay away from this blog because I'm in the mood to share pregnancy stories.

My mom and I had plans for yesterday morning. We were going to be out and about by 8:30 a.m. That was too early for me but I was going to suffer through. She happened to call her cousin and the cousin had a dr.s appt. that required her to have a ride back home. My cousin's original ride couldn't drop her off, so my mom and I did. We delayed our departure time because the stuff we were going to do was in the same area. I was able to grab few more hours of sleep- praises.

We had breakfast and I made the eggs. My mother doesn't use salt. She spent a lot of time growing up with her grandmother who didn't use salt- therefore she lacks a taste for it. I spent a lot of time growing up with my grandmother who loved salt- therefore I crave it.

When the eggs were done, I dashed salt in my palm and my mother told me about the wife of a family friend who got toximia (sp) from eating so much salt. I put the salt in the sink. A few weeks ago- one of the church members saw me devouring a bag of spicy pork skins. She asked me if I had a taste for spicy things. I told her I was just hungry. She told me she ate so much spicy food with her first child that when the bby was born her eyes were watering and red and she needed glasses.

I gave my pork skins to my brother. He happily finished them. Mr. A encourages me to avoid artificially colored drinks. I try to listen because I'm carrying the kid and I don't want him to feel helpless about what I swallow and what his kid then gets, but sometimes I crave a strawberry Fanta. He doesn't drink colored soda- and actually neither did I, but he'll share one with me. That's a great strategy to reduce my intake but give me what I crave. That was just a story about how folks will get in your food when pregnant.

So when my mother and I were dropping my cousin off, I had my head in my bucket losing breakfast. My mom's cousin sorta looked at me, mentioned morning sickness and said bye to my mother. She was moving very quickly. No one ever told me that if you heaving, your bladder muscle might relax causing some leakage. Ohhhhh, the trauma. My mother told me to carry extra panties. So while vomitting I ran to the bathroom.

Actually I have an even more traumatic story about sitting down to pee and then having to vomit and how the vomit muscle will win and how painful that experience is. So I guess the leakage only occurs when you don't want it to and perhaps if standing.

After all was handled, we walked back to the car. One of our planned stops was Emeryville so I could get some pregnancy pops. They help calm morning sickness. I was sucking one when I vomitted. They work but I guess at some point, it just has to come up.

We got the pops and stopped by my mom's office. We were there for while and I started feeling sick and hungry. My mom agreed to go back to the hoagie shop so that helped me feel better. She's not certain if my cravings are baby related or me. Well the baby is making me hungry but except for strawberries and meat, its not too picky. It's clear who her friend is. If I say the baby is making me crave something then she's all over it. I'm okay with that. My grandparents always gave us what we wanted, even if we didn't need it.

When we got to the hoagie shop I was throwing up liquid. People told me about morning sickness but what they don't tell you is if you allow your tummy to get empty the reflex does not cease. I'd lost my breakfast causing my tummy to be empty.

Mr. A and I were at church in L.A. one day and I was trying to hold things in until I got to the restroom. I had a bag and right before I got to the door of the bathroom I had to go in the bag. As I continued my run into the restroom, a guy asked Mr. A if I was preggers. I was pleased because he could have thought I was drunk.

The guy told Mr. A that he and his wife were on a bus going to the beach once- while she was pregnant. She had to vomit and they hadn't brought any bags. He said he used the only thing he had, he cupped his hands and she went. Now I'd just as soon do it on the floor of the bus but I appreciate that the man took that type of responsibility for his wife and unborn child.

Financing A Baby

It's well known that having a baby and raising that baby securely into adulthood is expensive. Why no one ever told me that pregnancy is expensive is a mystery.

I'm not speaking of maternity clothes, I am speaking about food. I have developed a love for strawberries. I've always loved tart tastes, like the former Jamba Juice Cranberry Craze and now the Pomegrante Paradise, but now I need virgin strawberry daiquiris with just the appropriate mix of sweet and sour. I have Mr. A bring me one home nearly every day. One day I had 3 through out the day.

Yesterday my mom and I were out and I saw strawberries and she refused to indulge me. She told me I had strawberries at home and to eat them. I sent Mr. A a text and told him and he told me he was going to call her and promised me strawberries when he saw me. Well I don't know what happened but my mom went to her appt. and I waited in the car. When she was done she took me to Safeway and got me a Berry salad. It was wonderful, sliced strawberries and raspberries- sweet and tart.

I don't usually carry a purse so whomever I am with has to feed me. Usually I'm with Mr. A and that might be why I developed my non cash having behavior.

Later that day, I was hungry again and I rubbed my belly and told my passenger that I'd get him food soon because I knew he was starving. We were looking for a particular food but times got tough and we stopped for a hoagie. I got a dry salami with everything. It was so good, I nearly cried. I've been hinting since we left that we should go back, but so far my mom has ignored the hints. I tell you I am blessed to have Mr. A, if I have craving he gets it satisfied.

Today my mom wanted to get a pair of boots for me. She said I need to stay well because if I get sick my passenger (that's Baby A) gets sick. We're swimming in rain here in the Bay and all my boots have heels.

After we got my boots, I wanted a Jamba Juice- the pomegrante (sp). As we were walking there my mother told me I need to get my baby a job. I told her I planned to get him a job once he arrived and she said he needed one now. I asked her who would hire him since he didn't have a work permit or i.d. She said she would. She said since my little person has all these particular cravings, he should have a job to support them.

Last time I came to the Bay without Mr. A, he sent my brother an email instructing him to take great care of me. We were at church and I told my brother to make a hot dog for me and he looked at me crazy. I laid down on the couch and reminded him of the email. Mr. A had said he'd be like a lion in the jungle if Baby A and I didn't get the best of care. My brother made the best hot dog ever. I would have made my own food but I was too hungry to move.

I'm a romantic but I didn't realize how extensive my romantic notions of the effect pregnancy would have on my relationship were. Mr. A. supersedes all of my romantic imaginations. I could start a list of all the ways he make me feel so loved as carrier of our kid, but I won't- here. I am glad that I chose him, I know he'll be a great father but he's a fabulous husband to a pregnant, sometimes moody, always hungry, occasionally vomiting, slightly lazy, cuddle plus kisses loving and strawberry craving woman.

January 9, 2008 aka 1-9-08 is very special day for Mr. A and me.
It's 1-9-08 the year Alpha Kappa Alpha was founded. It's also 1-9-08 Phi Beta Sigma Founder's Day. I asked Mr. A why the men of Sigma copied off of us but I don't think he wanted to talk about it. Happy 1908 to Alpha Kappa Alpha and happy 1-9-08 to Phi Beta Sigma.

Fleas in a Jar

This is supposed to be true based on an experiment.

You can place some fleas in a jar with a lid on it. The fleas will begin to jump, repeatedly hitting the lid in their attempt to escape.

After about 20 minutes, the fleas begin to learn that they cannot escape and stop jumping as high as they did to begin with, to avoid smacking their head on the lid.

Once they become accustomed to the fact that they cannot escape, you can remove the lid and the fleas will continue to jump at the same height, never escaping the jar. Since the fleas BELIEVE they cannot escape the confines of the jar, they stop trying. Because of their experience with smacking their heads repeatedly, every time they tried to escape, they never even bother looking up to see that the lid is no longer there.

If you introduce a new flea it will jump up and out and the others will then believe they have a shot out of the jar.

I think Obama is the new flea.

All Belongs to You

Today the choir sang "I Just Want to Praise You"

The lyrics in part are:

I just want to thank You
forever and ever and ever
for all You done for me.
Blessings and glory, and honor,
they all belong to You;
thank You Jesus for blessing me.

I have always understand that all of my blessings come from God. If for no other reason than that he allows me my health and strength, all of my blessings are from him.

We were singing that song today and I was focusing on the words. The lyrics are so simple but very true, very meaningful. The song spoke to my heart and I was grateful and had to acknowledge all God has done for me. All of the glory and all the honor belong to Him.

I've never thought that anything was totally in my control. I've always believed God was in control and things would therefore work out. I think that allows me to exist in the bright side of life. God is in control so I don't need to worry.

I was thinking about how God has blessed Mr. A and I. How he quit his job more than a year ago and God has met all of our needs and wants. We didn't quit based on our belief in our own power to make things happen but by the belief that God can give us what we need and the desires of our heart. That God would open doors and give us the strength and wisdom to walk through them. He did just that. It's amazing when I think about it because had we given it thought from the earthly perspective we probably couldn't have done it. When I look back, I realize we were brave perhaps dangerously so. Had we relied on our own understanding, we would have limited ourselves. We acted in faith.

When it is said that if you take care of His business then He will take care of yours, I know that to be true from generations of family stories and from my own experience.

There is really no reason on earth that Mr. A and I should be doing this well. It has to be blessings from God. It is God taking care of our business as we work to take care of His.

C2A Loves Love

I love love, truly I do. I enjoy people who share the story of their love and I'm interested in folks who choose to share their love tragedies and disasters.

I don't understand the analysis of other folks conduct in relationships by folks in relationships. Who the heck has the time? It's all giving me an ulcer. Or maybe that's hunger, ya'll know my body has been taken over by a parasite. The doctor told me not to worry if I vomit because babies are excellent parasites who will get their nutrition. I love my little parasite and can't wait to meet them. Hopefully they will have a name by then as Mr. A requested/demanded the naming privilege during our dating. He is being very considerate in regards to the name this kid will carry throughout life. So currently we refer to our child as Baby A******.

Any-ty-way. Back when I cared about how other folks conducted their relationship- it wasn't so much that I cared but that I felt like I had the ideal marriage so I thought I'd point out how anything different was wrong. I realize now that I'm happy and that folks questioned our strategy for happiness, but we knew/know what was best for us. If folks create their own path and it leads them to happiness, than who am I and why would I attempt to tell them that the way for me is the way for them. As Mr. A often tells me when I'm trying to get him to critique folks choices, "that's how they choose to run their program. I may choose something different but I'm not going to say they need to do it my way because they do what works for them."

How can a uniquely and thoughtfully designed individual gain success in life or in love by following the map created by others? Sure its a good guide, but you gotta first figure out if the person is trying to get where you are and what rest stops and detours will benefit them along the way. We are all here to gain a different experience. Just because I enjoyed my experiences doesn't mean others will or even want to.

I was not born an original just to spend my life becoming a copy. I don't want to force anyone to become a copy. Hopefully I can instill in my children the understanding that they have to find and walk in their own path and not live according to group think. If someone critiques you for something that brings you joy and does not harm you or them or anyone else, than that person should be ignored. Life is gift given to each individual, don't spend it living it for other folks satisfaction- they still won't be satisfied. Happy people enjoy your happiness.

What I really think- when people are negatively opining on what I do and telling me how they do it- they need validation. They need someone else to do it their way to make them feel like they are doing it correctly.

This was quite random but I know what I'm talking about and really since I live in my world 24 hours each day, its more important that I understand what I mean.

Greetings & Reflections

Happy New Year to everyone.

In the words of Mary J. "I appreciate life, I’m so glad that it's mine." Something about the end of the year (and flying) makes me reflect on how fragile life is. To enter a new year is a blessing, to complete a year is a blessing. To complete a day of life is a blessing, each second is a gift. I realize this and live with that in mind. I will not be the one looking back and saying I should have pursued this goal. Nope, I'm in constant pursuit. I'd rather fail in the attempt than to never have made the attempt. Failure is merely instruction on what not to do the next time you try. I don't make the resolutions because I know each day is a blessing in which I can begin again and finish what I began.

We had a wonderful Christmas Holiday. We are in the Bay Area and got nice cold Christmas weather. We've spent a few days in San Francisco hanging out, dining and enjoying the chilly yet very clear (no fog) days. I had a deposition near the wharf, and Mr A. surprised me with Clam Chowder from Fisherman's Wharf. He also drove me that morning and waited in the city until I was done. He's fabulous and I am thankful God has let me share in his life. After the deposition we went to the Embarcadero and Mr. A spotted a maternity Gap. I was able to pick up a few things and we walked to the Holding Company where I had my most favored virgin Strawberry Daiquiri and we watched the game and had appetizers. Later than evening the family came to the city and we dined at the House of Prime Rib and enjoyed ourselves tremendously. This place is said to be the best prime rib in the Bay Area. We spent the afternoon after Christmas shopping in Palo Alto and pushed my great aunt around in a mall issued wheel chair. I love that mall.

Mr. A went to hit a few golf balls this morning and was just invited to attend the Rose Bowl- but we're still in Oakland. He's had to turn down quite a few L.A. invitations, but we've been able to pick and choose from Bay Area choices. I love L.A. and all it offers, but I feel like I rejoin the social world when we are in the Bay. In L.A. I mix in with his buddies, but all his buddies are men so I don't hang out with them without him. I have a preference for hanging out with family and long time family friends. As I get older I'm less willing to add new folks to my friendship circle. I'm lazy and new people are work. I don't really have the desire to get to know folks. Give me the people I know, so I can relax and do me and appreciate them for who they are. Heck, by the time I get done reading blogs and read bloggers people trash folks they just meet, and use them as fodder to entertain, I'm even more resolved to stick with the folks I'm used to. Maybe I need to stop reading blogs.

The end of our Oakland visit will conclude with the family attending a Warriors game and having a suite at the Coliseum. Suite means our own box with food and drinks included. The only thing about watching a game from the suite is social engagement occurs more than game watching. Fortunately a few of my cousins plus the siblings will be there with us, so we'll get to run the suite. The perks of life in the Bay Area- banquets, formal lunches, plays, sporting events, parties galore, and more are always readily offered and free. I'm pleased to have gotten to spend this time here enjoying the Bay.

I'm also pleased because I've been feeling much much better. My energy has picked up and I feel like I've rejoined the land of the living. My belly has been rubbed and sang too and spoken too. I've gotten hug after hug after hug. It's nice to know others are also excitedly awaiting the arrival of Baby A.

I enjoy the opportunity to reflect through the blog, but I'm running out of things to reflect on. I think that's growth. I can't spend forever in the planning/reflection stage. Life is for living. I welcome 2008. Mr. A and I will have a new addition to our family, business is going well and looking bright for the future. I'm motivated about the work I'm doing. We have a couple of trips planned with my cousins and siblings. And I'll get to cuddle my own brand spanking new baby and raise him with the man I instinctively knew would be a fabulous, loving and hands on father. I appreciate life I'm so glad that its mine.

Is this just a California thing? Out here I see more men with baby bjorns, riding their baby on bikes, being the one to drop and pick up from school, grocery shopping with baby and being hands fathers. My own grandfather used to have my mother at work with them. She was driving his buses- full of people- at 4 years old. My oldest sister would go to work with my grandparents as well, but they didn't let her drive any bus. As a result my mother has always ran her own business and raised kids who also run their own business. 100% of her children have a business and she has encouraged and supported that and helped us organize them.

There I go reflecting. Happy 2008!

True Story

I'm feeling a bit better. This will be brief. Don't expect much in the future.

A few mornings ago I was feeling trapped in my sleep. What I mean by that is I was awake but I was so fatigued that I just couldn't complete the process to get awake. I don't know if I'm the only one that has ever needed help pulling out of my sleep. That was the first time it had happened to me, but it was weird. Almost like you might slip into a coma if someone doesn't get you right then.

I was wondering where Mr. A was, but struggled to muster the energy to actually call his name. There was a risk that a door was shut or he wasn't in the next room and would not hear my call. I didn't have the energy to take that risk because I needed what I had to try to get myself awake.

I laid there and just began calling his name in my head. I was moaning it in my head. It was urgent. After a few moments of mentally calling his name in a pleading type of way, I heard him coming into the room and saying in an incredulous voice, "are you calling me?"

I needed that. His voice pulled me out of whatever state I was in. I told him I was calling him in my head. He asked if I was serious. I told him I was. I told him I couldn't call out. He said internally he kept hearing his name repeated and didn't know what it was. It was me.

Mr. A says no one will believe this story. But its true! I don't know what was happening with my body that morning, but I needed the rescue. I needed to get pulled from whatever I was stuck in. I'm sure we've all had the experience of feeling like our name is being called, and later learning that someone we love needed us.

Fortunately for me, Mr. A responded to my silent call.

Thoughts

I would love to write a post over here, but its too much work.

I can read blogs, even comment but the effort to complete a blog is pushing my morning- through out the day- sickness.

I have lots of work to do, but I've just been laying on the sofa. I made it to Whole Foods today for fruit for breakfast. It was yummy.

I know other women push their way through and go to work and raise families, and I could if I had to. But doggonit I don't have to.

Thank God for Mr. A. If I didn't have him, I have no idea what I'd do. I guess I'd have to get up and get busy. But on the bright side the books seem to say that next month I should be done with the morning sickness. And in other bright things, the sickness didn't start until after Thanksgiving. So I'm pretty fortunate.

Be back when the churning ceases.

Future Baby Mama

I like this song. There is one part that says: To build a house together the thing that matters more, Is under the floor
A strong foundation that last forever more.




(written Friday)
Today we heard our baby's heart beat. It was AMAZING. I started laughing because it was such a joyful sound. I was in slight awe. That sound made me realize its REAL! There is a life, a person with its own life using my womb for warm shelter until ready to make a debut. We're the vessels.

Mr A and I have already decided what type of foundation we want to give our kids. A positive foundation and prayer, that's our strategy.

(written Sunday)
I MAKE PEOPLE

Today at church the minister Christened a child and said that the greatest gift we can give the world is a person. A person who is raised with a good foundation (he didn't say foundation but neither Mr. A or I can remember the exact word). A person who uses their talents and gifts to make a difference or a change in the world- it is the greatest gift.

That's my goal, to show our children they have a specially designed purpose. We'll do our best to make sure the kid knows that thoughts rule the world and thoughts rule him. Mr A has already been talking to the baby and telling him to THINK. So a man thinketh so is he. "Great men are they who see that spiritual is stronger than any material force; that thoughts rule the world." –Ralph Waldo Emerson

They'll know the power of words."In the beginning there was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."
-- John 1

I know we'll learn lots of things along the way.

Planning for Eco-friendly Babies

In other great things, we'll both be staying home with the kid- working from home. This should prove very interesting. I'll probably hire someone to come help out a few days. I'm sure we can't get real work done and care for an infant. I used to naively think I'd maintain a flexible at home work schedule so that when kids arrived the transition would be simple. I'm realizing that I get very caught up in work. Too caught up to combine work with a baby. Maybe I'll be able to structure things so I only work 1 day a week. We have some months to figure it out but the baby gets top priority.

I've found diaper services in both Oakland and L.A. that will pick up the soiled cloth diapers and deliver clean ones. Baby A is trying to be eco-friendly. I've also heard babies can be potty trained faster when they feel the moisture and the cloth diapers allow them to feel the moisture and be better able to make the transition from diaper to potty.

Midnite is the only time

that I can hear from you. Oh how I wish you'd call me when your skies are blue.



Those are part of the lyrics in a song performed by now gospel artist Coco of SWV aka Cheryl Gamble. The title is Midnite and is by Brent Jones. It's saying how we tell God we love him but only call him when we need him. That God has so much more to offer us than helping us out of distress. That song brings me near tears each time I hear it. I don't want to be the person that only calls God's name in times of distress.

Sometimes our friends and family treat us that way. You see their number and you know they want you to help them out with something. I take it personally and sometimes won't answer. I'm always ready to help my family but I realize there is a difference between helping out, being a resource and being used.

I'm so much more than an emergency resource. Luckily for folks God ain't like me because there are calls I won't return. If you can't call each blue moon to say what's up, DO NOT call to ask for help. My time is reserved for folks who pay me or who love me on a regular basis. I'm more inclined to help a person I don't know before I help someone I know but only pops up in times of need.

Missing Child- UPDATE HOME SAFE

Please post it anywhere and to everyone:

Her name is

Jazlyn Alexandria Patton
Chicago, Illinois - last seen on 51st & King Drive (#3 bus)
Age 13
BD 1/6/94
She is 5'6 160 lbs and she was last seen wearing Baby Phat jeans (indigo color) a black long sleeved shirt crew neck a black coat with a pink fur lining and black air force ones.

Things Mr. A has Taught Me

During our engagement I'd ocassionally be annoyed at folks. I'd be annoyed for silly reasons like I thought they were lying on themselves or bragging or being competitive. I'd be in Mr. A's ear sharing my complaints.

One day he stopped, looked at me and asked, "why do you care? What impact do these people have on your life that makes you care what they do?" He said it in such a way that I felt a tug of ........ shame. I said something like "they think I'm too stupid to know the truth." He told me their lies had nothing to do with me. I had to ask myself "why do I care?", I had no reason. I just had too much free time and was letting my mind be idle and giving the devil room to get comfy. I decided to let it all go. I did.

It's good when your mate won't let you dwell in crazy. I told him about my little blog spat and he was quite disappointed. I tried to explain the reason but he was like "you can't let folks control you and when you get into that and allow yourself to respond you are letting people in cyber world who you will never meet, control you." Again its good when folks don't let you pretend your mess doesn't exist. He will not let me dwell in madness. I appreciate that.

Mr. A has taught me I don't need to fight other folks battles. This is actually a work in progress. As we can see from the burglarly post he has this issue too. He was trying to stop a thief on gp and not because he thought he was taking our stuff. We're both into service. I think my desire to get involved is a hazzard of my profession. I feel like I can protect people. If I see what I think is injustice (but who am I to judge) I want to jump in and defend. I don't want to see someone be mistreated if I can maybe stop it.

I take that stuff more personally then I would a personal injustice. I feel like I can handle stuff, beat me down but I will always recover.

The amazing thing is when I saw someone doing the same stuff I used to do- being overly concerned and focused about stuff that didn't matter to their own life- I realized the madness of it. Its good to be able to see the mess you espcaped and knowing why your really don't want to go back into. I was even more grateful to Mr. A for being strong.

If I'm satisfied with my own life and living it to the fullest I won't have time or desire to pause to focus on others. So when I get too interested in what others are doing- in a way that isn't positive- I find something to do.

Once you get free- stay free.

Okay, I think that was the end, I'm watching this red lobster commercial and feeling hungry and I can write no more.

Crackhead Thieves

I just finished reading about the fright Honest had with some likely crackhead. I skimmed over our run in with a crackhead thief some weeks ago. I was gonna blog about it but then I hesitated because I don't want my stalkers/haters to have too much info on me.They'd be over there trying to help out the defense and probably trying to get our address so they can come look through my underwear drawer and sniff my toilet. Its a shame when crazy people get internet. They just mess up a good thing. This is the post where I mentioned the criminal activity.

What has happened was....... abbreviated version.....

We've been on notice that thieves have been on the prowl in our neighborhood. One sunny afternoon, Mr. A saw a crackhead pushing a cart outside our garage. He didn't know whose stuff was in the cart but he knew a crackhead bum did not live around these parts and he wouldn't let the guy take the stuff. He also knew the cart he was pushing (it wasnt't ours) looked familiar. We later realized it belonged to a neighbor.

Mr. A knew the crackhead had likely stolen the stuff which he'd covered in a garbage bag, and he was being kind just to let him pass. I was on the phone while this was occuring and listening to the conversation. The crackhead left after putting up a minimal stance of resistance and Mr A pulled the cart into the garage. He then saw that our car window had been broken. He started chasing the criminal. A woman from down the street saw Mr. A, took her dogs in the house, got in her car and proceeded to chase the thief with Mr. A as a passenger. They saw him again and Mr A demanded to be let out.

Again Mr. A is military trained so he was on the guy. These guys are trained to fight guerillas in the jungle so a crackhead in the city isn't that great of a challenge. They rounded a corner and Mr. A couldn't hit the corner without looking to ensure the guy wasn't on the other side waiting to surprise attack. This is where Mr. A lost visual. By this time I was outside looking and on the phone with the Po-Po. I wasn't worried about Mr. A's safety I was worried that he might kill the guy.

I know that if he had got him immediately then we'd have self-defense but if he chased him and beat him to death, then we might have some jail time. The woman who had used her car to pursue the suspect (yeah I watch too many cop shows) came and had me get in the car. She was also concerned that Mr. A might kill the guy. I guess she thought I could stop it? Pul....leeeze. I am not that idiot. I'd be over there screaming for Mr. A to stop and distracting him and allow the crackhead a advantage. Nope. Not me. I know how these things work. Let men be men. Emotional wrecks need to back away.

We saw Mr. A and I got out of her car to walk with him. The police arrived a little while later, took a report and within 15 minutes they had Mr. A come around to i.d. the rogue. Good ol' L.A.P.D. who I had 0 confidence in actually went and found the criminal. I didn't even think they'd look. Then they sent out a finger print guy and another investigator.

Fortunately the thief didn't get away with any of our stuff because Mr. A being a good samaritan wasn't gonna let him steal anyone's stuff. What are the odds of stopping a crime and discovering that you were protecting your own self?

So hopefully we will get to trial because Mr. A and the other neighbors are ready to testify.

By the time the police arrived swarms of neighbors had gathered. I had to sneak away from them. It's good to live around folks that care what goes on in their area, but they will put you to work if you let them.

One woman had a bundle of emails listing various thefts. The teens who commit crimes in the afternoon. The crackhead who was trying to victimize us was a grown adult, so he didn't fit that profile. He also had the nerve to remove his sweatshirt while he was running from Mr. A. I guess he thought taking it off made him invisible.

Crack is wack and will wack up a brain.

Game Recognize Game

Everynow and again I have to remember the devil is Lie. You can't let him in your head. For a minimal second I almost let myself believe the devil.

I'm sure ya'll saw the interactions over at The Next Big Thing.

Sometimes people will try to run game on you but its good to be able to pause and think on it. Stop the game. Imagine someone saying "one" of your friends ain't your friend. Then there you are investigating, doubting and suspecting all your friends because of what someone who is nowhere near a friend said. That type of mess must be ignored. It could be true but its still a mind game. Instead of saying "one" ain't your friend, the person that wasn't trying to mess with your head would tell you who it is. I mean if I said all that, then I'd finish the sentence and say who and why.

I don't suspect anyone I know to be my friend but I have been suspecting this nutty stalker I attracted. I can't control other people's mouths, minds or fingers. I've decided to leave even that suspicion alone. I can't worry about folks I don't know who think we're friends. Although I will be on guard if I ever see this person in person again- which I shouldn't. If someone needs to focus on me to get through their life then all I can do is support them. Hopefully their behavior doesn't progress.

The bright side and there is always a bright side: I am clearly fascinating to some.

We were listening to the radio this weekend and a woman was on talking about her book. The book was about being thankful. It was a different spin on the secret. She said people who are thankful recover faster from things. If tragedy strikes their life the skill of being thankful for all that went right before that tragedy helps them through. She said people look at those thankful people and wonder what it is you have that makes you able to stand through storms.

I remember after my Grandmother's funeral one of my mom's cousins called her up talking foolish and balling on the phone. She said she didn't know how we held up so well and she didn't think she could survive the death of her mother. Now this cousin is a fool because just because we weren't laid out in the floor kicking and screaming doens't mean we aren't mourning and doesn't mean you should call talking foolishness or doing insensitive stuff. We just knew we'd been blessed to have loan of her for the years we did, she was blessed to have a good and long life- of course we would have like her to be 100+ but we were grateful for the gift of her in our life. You can't wallow in self-pity when you realize you have reason to be grateful.

I blame my ability to be grateful on God. When you know God is in control of everything you don't have to wallow in your troubles. Some people look at me and can't understand why my life seems so charmed, so blessed. Its because all I see are the blessings. If all I see are the blessings then when you look at me, all you see is a blessed person. I see a blessing in everything. I see the hope and promise in everything.

People get mad at you and want to disparage you because you stay happy but I realize how God has blessed me and how he continues to bless me and I have no reason to stay down over things.

I remember dealing with this in college. My first week at school one of the older seniors told my sisters best friend that he hoped I didn't lose my sunshine. He seemed to think some boy would come along and still (used that word on purpose) the pep in my step. But my pep isn't that fragile, it isn't built around temporal stuff and people. I told one of my friends who also had joy like me and she said when you have sunshine people think you must be dumb and ditzy. They think you are too dumb to see problems and therefore you can stay cheery.

I can't count the times someone has implied or outright said I'm naive or perhaps optimistic. Its not naivety, perhaps it resembles optimism, because its hope and trust in that God can make a way for me. Faith in God gives you hope and a belief that even if things go bad, if I'm alive they can get better and if I'm dead its straight to glory.

There are many situations in life that hurt. Its how you rise from the hurt that makes the difference.

I realize this post may look a bit odd after I just finished battling with folks on other blogs but this is what I'm talking about. In situations that might have folks dwelling and angry and angsty, I instinctively focus on how God has been good to me. I focus on my blessings. It always makes me see things in a good and new perspective.

Airplanes, buses and trains

As much as I hate to fly I am always en route via airplane.

On Sunday morning I flew into Oakland. We took the coastal route so the flight was extremely smooth. As we got close to landing we began our descent into the fog. Having faced this fog before and having seen the pilots instruments that help in land in that visibility, I closed my eyes, relaxed and asked the Lord to either help him use the instruments or let a break of sun shine a path for us.

I couldn't see the ground until we were a few feet above the water. Then we hit the pavement. Planes in Oakland touch down just small distance from the water. One little misstep and we'd be in the Bay.

I sent Mr. A a text and told him no more morning flights. I always forget that Bay fog. My brother picked me up and I told him and he said as he was driving to the airport and saw how low the fog was he knew how I'd be feeling. I was grateful to live in L.A. where the fog doesn't hang like that. My brother mentioned how he loves flying into L.A. because its always so sunny.

I flew back to L.A. on Monday night. The flight was delayed 47 minutes due to the Marine Layer a.k.a. fog. We took the valley/mountain route so it was quite bumpy. This fog was super low as we came into LA. It was so low and thick that I didn't see the ground AT ALL. We landed, touched down and I could still not see the ground. It was eerie.

How did I end up with fog in both directions? The flight from Oak to LAX was fast. Maybe 45 minutes from take off to landing. I think the pilot knew I wanted to watch the Game.

How Much Is Money Worth?

I've been trying to limit my work to the city of L.A. L.A. is large enough that I don't need to go outside the boundaries. There is money to be made - I guess - outside the city but if I have to get up early to go out to get it or get in traffic then I lose a bit of enthusiasm.

I took a case 40 miles away. I truly debated if I should do it. There was a time I considered driving 100 miles to make far less. Traffic usually comes into L.A. so if I schedule stuff for the morning it should be okay. Hopefully traffic coming back to L.A. won't be so bad. My mother suggested I take the bus or train or have Mr. A drive me.

I don't think she thinks I drive that well. I'm not sure where these doubts about my driving ability come from. Mr. A. also thinks I'm a questionable driver. He's an L.A. native which means 80 is moving too slow. I think 70 is pretty cool. The only place I speed is the on the windy Oakland Hill roads. I like being a passenger. I'm like the little old lady who waits for her husband to drive her everywhere. Those days of being 15 and just itching to drive are long long gone. Unless its the Hills. I love driving in the hills with nothing but the trees and the views around me.

The wild thing about my reluctance to take this case is I know I have the potential to make a good sum of money in a couple of months. Now if I was making 6 figures a month I could see myself being finnicky but not being willing to drive 40 miles to get this, is what makes me know how much money is worth to me.

It's not worth giving up my comfort. I have court 300 miles away next week and I don't mind that trip like I mind that 40 mile trip to nowhere. At least when I get off the plane I'll be somewhere worth being. Sorry to the city 40 miles away, but you must know you're a boring place.

I'm one of those people that doesn't like to be in suburbs. I like the city. I feel like I'm leaving life behind when I go outside city limits. I realize its odd but the older I get the less willing I am to spend time in burbs. I like fast paced activity. I like outdoor shopping areas. I haven't been to an indoor mall, outside San Francisco, in over 6 months.

Mr. A and I are planning to go to a store to pick out some things but I can't bring myself to go to the 'burbs where the nearest store is. We're going to wait until we get to the Bay Area so we can go to Emeryville.

It's okay though, I know people that hate the city. They can't wait to get back to the peace and quiet of their area. My great-grandfather didn't want to move back to Pasadena because it was too big. My great-aunt always said she would never live in some big city. Sadly for her, her small town became one of the fastest growing places in CA and now the population is larger than Oakland. But it still isn't a city. Just a lot of houses and a couple of malls with chain restaurants and movie theaters.

Some Strategy

I've always liked my life and what I was blessed with. I've always been confident and proud of who my family and extended family are and what my ancestors accomplished.

I'm always on a continuous path of improvement but no one can make me feel bad about what I have, don't have or what I'm doing. Well, my mother can but that's a whole other post. If my mother says I'm slacking it isn't because I'm not doing what she wants, its because I'm not doing what I have the potential to do.

I digress.........

I've never had the keep up syndrome. I've never had the "let me prove it" problem. The idea that I would allow others to control my behavior is offensive to me. I like to be sure I'm doing what I'm doing because I want to do it. God made me unique, it would be a dishonor to spend my life becoming a copy.

I can look at what other people have and think its wonderful. I can part from their wonder and not spin my wheels with how to top it or match it. I can look at my own life and think its wonderful but not think any observer wished they had it. Just like I'm happy with my life, I assume others are happy with their own life. Well I do think most people would love to live in L.A. or the Bay but that's the region not my house. I'd love to live in NYC and I figure most people would want to as well. I guess maybe its easy to think stuff that is desirable to you would be desirable to others. It's a blessing that people want different things. The natural resources and space are dispersed for a reason.

Anyway........ I believe going into business was made easier for us because we don't have a strong attraction to things or a need to Keep Up. We're both competitive. We compete to be our very best, not to best other people or other entities. Had Mr. A kept his job and if I had even worked part time, we'd have been rolling in things that go bling bling- L.A. style- the day we wed. But shining and blinging so others could see us shine and bling was not our thing.

Here we are now..... we chose to start out with a more moderate lifestyle, we sacrificed a little, were cautious in our spending, and we chose to focus on each other and our business. We've spent this first 1.5 years living the retirement life and enjoying our full time together. The financial changes were especially drastic for Mr. A. He went from a stable income that was high by L.A. standards to having a wife who likes sushi and Crusteceans, and a bank account that needed to last while we built a business and still got enjoyment from the area we live in.

God has blessed us. When we started working to build our business in earnest he allowed the phone to start ringing. People were calling us to hire us. God allowed us to be in the right places and the right times and be prepared. And today God blessed us both even more greatly- business wise.

In the words of the Jefferson theme song. "We're Moving on Up!" Moving closer to my Bay Area home with a view. That's not a literal move. Business is going well here in L.A. When we have a stock pile of cash we'll go back to the bay and get my Bay Views. The Bay is more expensive than L.A. so we'll need more money to buy land with views.

Back to My Roots

Thanks for stopping by. I wish I could move those two years of posts at Blogsome over here to Blogspot.

Life is changing everyday. I'm excited. Stay tuned for the exciting times of C2A- a California Cutie.

Moving

I guess I'm moving to Blogsome Bay. I like the options to delete posts, spammers watch out, and I like the ability to password protect entries.

Check me out at Call2arms.blogsome.com

WHOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!

theplace,
originally uploaded by call2arms.

I think I have found the place, not only that but my cousins ex husband has offered to sponsor my use of this place. It's a country club. Their initiation fee $50k. Plus a hefty monthly fee. But in the price is use of the facilities and the ability to sponsor folks like me. YAAAAY. I don't have all the details yet, but I'm guessing moms will still have to cover the food costs.

Now if someone gives me a good dress, we might be able to have this event and only have to pay for flowers and invitations.


And why is the sweater/shawl/vest I got in NYC last summer for $50, now being sold at Neiman for a few hundred. Maybe I should be a buyer.

I'm back on blog vaca.

VACA

I'm on a blog vaca, I left some entries to remember me by. I didn't run of things to say but I must use my time differently. I'll be visiting your blog, so get to writing.

Coley asked me about my name C2A Call2Arms, a while ago. Another blogger did the abbreviation and I liked it and kept using it.

My blog is entitled Fighting For Something, so since I needed to be prepared for the fight I named myself C2A because I was making a call to myself to have my own weapons ready.

Things and Things

My guys tempature has gone down and his compliant behavior has disapppeared. When he was really sick, I'd give him ice, water, soup, any suggestion and he would comply. This morning I offered him water and he said "no." Then this morning he said, I can probably go back to work earlier than I thought.

Oh nooooooo. He stood up and realized he was weaker than he thought but his dominant nature is back. Yaaaaay. He's a great patient though.

Today I took a mini tour of Beverly Hills, homes and viewed an open house. It was great. The hot tub was built into the pool and was underneath two waterfalls.

The house was 3,993,000. So if anyone wants to deposit some cash into my pay pal account to get me closer to my home in the Hills, I promise to let you spend the night when you come to L.A.

My friends from Jr. High came by to visit, so I'm about to chat with them, because right about now I am being the total hermit.

Take care all, enjoy yourselves.

Friendships/Weddings

This past weekend, my family and I went to a wedding. The wedding was nice although 45 minutes late, the processional was quick, nothing strange happened. It was destroyed in my opinion, by the ministers. There were two, the main guy tried to bring a message that made no sense, then the second person wanted to tell us info they had discussed in premarital counseling. He was also long winded.

They never said I now pronounce you man and wife. They jumped the broom and the minister stood in front and the photographer was unable to get a photo and the audience couldn't see it.

The groom was the son of my mother's childhood friend from church and school.

My mom was telling me she had been friends with the woman, "B" for over 50 years.

We went to Jr high and high school with B's children and my mother and B live 4 houses away from each other. I also went to college with the daughter. All but 2 of the groomsmen went to jr high and high school with us, so I guess the son keeps his friends too. I thought that was very nice.

My mother has another friend C, C's parents and my mother's parents grew up together in Bakersfield. Both C's family and my mother's family moved to Oakland at the same time, went to the same church and C and my mother.

So C, and my mother met B at the same time at church, and they went to the same jr. high through high school. My mother always has really nice stories about her and B growing up and hanging out. Whenever my mom and B get together, they will talk for hours and hours and hours and have lots of fun.

A few years ago B had a retirement party. B and her husband did quite well for themselves, have a fab home and nice children. B's husband got a promotion and began working in D.C. They bought a home there. B travels back and forth between the two states.

C asked my mother why B needed a house in D.C. and Oakland. My mother told C because they could afford it.

C was invited to B's party but didn't show up, she was in town and after the party she called my grandmother and tried to get details. My grandmother wouldn't give any details, she told her she should have come if she wanted to know about it.

C didn't come to the wedding this weekend either. B paid for the reception. It was probably around 30k or 40k for about 300 guests.

My mother instructed us not to give her the phone if C called looking for information about the wedding. She told us when you have a happy event, you can tell who is jealous by their failure to attend.

My sister asked my mother if B had went to C's son wedding, my mother didn't go and didn't know. My brother is C's godchild, he went to the wedding and said B wasn't there. I asked my mother why I wasn't invited to the C's son wedding and she said, the bride had only given C 10 invites because the plates were $100 each. My brother said about 200 people were at the reception.

Which leads me to my next point. I know people have wedding budgets. I realize I don't have to pay for my reception so I won't have this issue, but why would a bride limit the guests her groom can have? Why would she want his family and friends to be overwhelmed by hers. It's one thing if they don't come, it's another not to invite them because of money. She could have spent $50 a plate and doubled the guests. If my mother wasn't covering the reception I would figure something out not to limit his guests in favor of mine.

My mother said at her wedding reception she was able to invite everyone and she told me for mine I could have however many people I want. My groom's mother can invite whoever she wants and so can he.

What the heck is wrong with folks? What the heck kind of marriage is that? I need to check and see if they are still together.

Song of Solomon 8

6 Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.

7 Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.


This love is some powerful love and its in the Bible.

Jealousy

I don't like to accuse people of being jealous of me because it begs the question "what is so good about you?" Therefore I will speak of those with jealous dispositions. It's not me they are jealous of, they are jealous of what they want that they think I have/am/do.

I think I am finally understanding jealously, someone who aspires to be or have what they think you are/have. Most jealous people probably pass for a pal, they are that pal that makes derogatory statements at every opportunity.

My dear older cousin and I had this discussion today. She told me that in life, when you are young you are basically on equal footing with your peers. Everyone is finding their way and doing similar things.

As you get older people find their path and branch out, some set themselves apart and seem to progress, that is when friendships end. Some will look at you and may begin to put down progress you appear to be making. You will make them feel inferior and they like to be above. That friendship won't work.

You are okay as long as you are from comparable backgrounds, and they are currently above you. If you seem to surpass what they want for themselves, you become competition and they must bring you down.

I told my cousin about a girl that told her best friend that I had a trust fund from my wealthy father, didn't have to work, lived a carefree life, and went to law school on a whim. I asked her why she told this lie and she said to make the girl jealous because that is what the girl would like for herself.

My cousin thought the things the girl was lying about were things she also wanted and that she had to uplift herself by leaving the other girl twisting in the wind. Both individuals were unhappy with their self. One felt the need to lie, the other felt hurt because she thought someone had what she didn't.

I have learned that the girl who told this lie seems to believe it. I have never told her anything about my father, in fact she told me she thought he was dead since I rarely mention him. She told me that I should have my father give me money for my wedding since he has all that money he isn't spending. I just looked at her.

First I don't need her, nor did I invite her into my wedding finances and second why is she trying to get into my parents finances? Is it normal for people to ask how much you are spending on a wedding? I've never thought to ask anyone that question. I just want to know if the cake is buttercream.

My cousin said she advises her kids to look at, how people are. Some people attach themselves to you based on something they want that you have, it could be social status, friends, etc. Don't get caught up in it.

It's okay to have these people as acquaintances but don't get too deep. You will have true friends but they can probably be counted on one hand.

I'm learning that lesson. People have told me that the girl is jealous and I've tried to figure out why she should be jealous. I am still building.

As I reflect on it the things she has done and say to me, I realize her goal was build an image. I never paid attention until recently and now she does her best to find a way to criticize anything surrounding me and uplift herseilf in words.

Fighting to Keep It All

I've been trying to think of creative ways to keep my house with the furniture in it and have an apartment and life in L.A. My house is too cute to let go.

I want to lease it to a friend but only certain friends, I don't want the place to become a den of iniquity because I may want to return to it sometime.

Today my mom informed me that my sister's best friend from high school is planning to return to the Bay. This best friend has been away for over 10 years, college in Atl, then life in Atl, then Texas, but she wants to return. YAAAYYYYY!! because I really like this girl, I was said when she left Ga. because she was the best tour guide and hostess ever, although she usually came and stayed in the hotel with us

So if I can rent my house to her for $500, I'll be able to maintain the house and she'll get a great deal because she won't find rent cheaper than that. My only requirement will be that I can leave my things in the house, which also helps her because she doesn't have to worry about furnishings.

Too many thoughts, if I can settle this case I have real quick then it also won't be an issue. Let's send positive thoughts that this case will settle with enough cash for me keep the house here, live there, eat and shop.

Provisions

My grandmother had a couple of birdbaths, my mother does too.

God uses people to help his people out. The birds could go to the lake or some other source to get water, but they can also stop by the house and help themselves.

When I look and see the birds making use of the baths at their leisure, I think that God used my grandmother and mother to help some of his creatures. Usually I don't pay attention to the birds but every so often one will catch my attention and I think if God can assist his bird, he'll certainly make provisions for me.

I used to have a neighbor that would feed the birds. The birds never pooped on his car, they didn't poop on ours either, although sometimes they'd get close, but perhaps when you help, you won't be hurt by the help you've given.

THE ONE

The ONE does exist.
The one that lifts my heart when I'm mad, sad, or blue.
The one that comforts me without saying a word.
The one whose existance makes me smile inside.
The one that gives hope to thoughts of my future.
The one whom money or beauty isn't an issue.

The one who seems to understand what I'm saying.
The one I love even when I'm upset.
The one who supports me when I feel wronged by others.
The one I want even when we don't agree.
The one who loves me with my imperfections.
The one who loves me when I think I'm right and they know I'm wrong.

The one that keeps me feeling special.
The one that keeps me feeling beautiful.
The one that makes me believe I can achieve anything.
The one whom being without seems unthinkable.
The one who seems to have always been there.

The one whom I want to please
The one whose pleasure is my joy
The one I want to honor and cherish
The one I want to tell and keep telling everyone about.

I have THE ONE.

ALIVE

I made it back from Palm Springs alive.

This may not seem like a major feat to some but I could have died.

I went to Palm Springs with my guy, his friend and the wife of his friend. On Saturday the girl and I planned to go shopping, the guys went to play golf. The girl and I got severely lost, then got bad directions. We ended up circling the San Bernandino Mountains, in the middle of a storm. We were traveling on a two lane, windy road, at 4000 feet, with nowhere to go but down if we slipped. The signs said "icy" and "rock slide area."

We were told that if we took the 74 we would travel for about 15 minutes and end up at the 10 freeway and could head back to the freeway and be about 20 minutes from the shopping stores. We thought about turning around and asked a man how far was the freeway, he looked at his map and said about 10 miles. Well about 70 miles later we were still driving, we considered turning around but kept deciding not to because we had went so far and didn't know if the freeway would be the next mile. We finally got down off the mountain and found that we were 76 miles from San Diego.

We entered a town that appeared to be Mayberry, it was like a movie, both of us envisioned ourselves as the victims in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

The proprieter of the general store told us that the way we traveled was a short cut from San Diego to Palm Springs and that if we took the highway it would be a little over 2 hours but the mountainous route was 45 minutes. So we headed back the way we came, and went back into the storm and terrifying curves of the moutains. The drive was longer than 45 minutes, but perhaps because San Diego residents drive 100 at all times, it would be 45 minutes to them. If I had a picture you might be scared of the road we traveled. We were so close to the edge of the cliff, and looking down the rocky mountains, was the most frightening sensation I know.

On our way back to Palm Springs we drove through the arc of a rainbow. That was a awe inspiring experience. We were able to see where it began and ended and went underneath it. That must mean some sort of blessing on our lives.

Strangest thing about the route we took is that is was very well traveled, There was a constant stream of cars, speeding as if the rain and muddy roads didn't exist.

MY GUY

The fella and I are still together. We are still alive, he and I almost died, not from discovering that we were incompatible but from Nicole induced drama. But I won't get all mushy and detailed on my blog, but there really must be someone for everyone because he remains patient and rational throughout all the drama I bring, even when I have dramaed myself out.

A letter 2 Love...

Dear Love,

You are a tough nut to crack. I don't really understand you. It doesn't seem like anyone does. Lots of folks doubt you exist. Lots of folks search for you endlessly. Others are counting down the days until you disappear.

Sir Love, what is it about you that creates such strong emotion? Fear, happiness, joy, pain, you bring it all. Why do you have this effect on people? Is it because YOU are a four-letter word?

Everyone seems to want you. Some are jealous of you, some mistrust and some acknowledge their need for you. Love you've been very busy, everyone seems to have a story about you.

Love are you so powerful that you can really last forever and another day? That's what Stevie said. People make promises to take care of you, and keep you forever. Do some make that promise with the knowledge they won't keep it? do some really intend to keep it only to later realize you weren't there? Love do you really leave people? I can.not. believe that you would do that. I think if you come, you are permanent.

I am a firm believer in you Sir Love. I know there are those that pretend to be you, like Mr. Infatuation or even Desperation. They are dangerous and they know how to emulate you so well. I think they are the reasons people question your existence. They were fooled by the tions. Sir Love I think you are apparent and honest, and I think when you are there, you can't be denied.

Love are you aware that some folks use your name for power? It's awful but some use you to get sex, money, control.

I sigh because I respect you love, I was raised with you, taken care of because of you, had friends because of you, changed for the better by you, with the goal to always be better for you.

Love I think you are eternal, be you familial, romantic, friend or whatever, the memory of you extends past the life of those who possessed you.  I want you and I to last through forever and another day.

Street Life

My mother and I were on our way to a 3 p.m. Sunday church service. She was the musican for one of the guest choirs. So we arrived about 3:30. The church is in a high crime part of town. But it's Sunday afternoon and most violence tends to occur at night.

We parked our car, got out and proceeded toward the church. All of a sudden there is a *!?*! crash. We look and notice a car accident, a woman is sitting in the car that got hit. She wasn't doing too much moving, but visually the accident wasn't that bad. I can't remember what happened to the car that hit the woman, but perhaps he was also stalled.

So my mother hurries over to the car. I quickly survey the situation and advise her not to go. She looks at me like I'm crazy and says, "this woman may need help. I want to make sure none of these guys steal her purse." So she saw the guys and thought thief, I saw the guys and got another feeling. I walked slowly in the opposite direction and yelled for her to come on.

As soon as she got to the car, this big ni**a, swerves and jumps out of his car and starts yelling at another guy that is standing around. I'm thinking the guy that just pulled up must be the son of the woman that got hit and wants to fight the guy that caused the accident.

So when I saw this guy swerve and make that ghetto stop, I began to run and made one last yell for my mother to come on. At the point I began to run about 30 feet seperate me from my mother.

The guy he is after is running right behind me. I never looked around but I knew the guy that was doing the chasing had a large gun. Don't ask me how I knew, but probably from the way the crowd around him took off when he jumped out the car.
But I could almost feel the gun shots hitting me. (although no shots were fired) I was praying the guy he was after would cross the street, so I wouldn't get caught in the cross fire.

When the gunman had got out his car, the person who got the best look at his gun was my mother. She said it was huge. If you ask her she'll describe it for you.

So when my mother saw the gun she also took off running. Now recall I said when I started running she was about 30 feet distant from me? Well she ran past the guy with the gun,past the guy he was chasing and past me.

When we got to the church lot, the kids at the church who happened to see the whole thing said "Sis Bonnie, we didn't know you could run like that."

So I turned into the church lot barefoot. I had run out of my clogs.

So my mother told me to go inside and call the police. All I could do was collapse when I got inside. I called them but I could barely speak.

The pastor went out and got my shoes and brought them to me as I laid on the floor of the church office. I was on the floor because I imagined gunfire whizzing past my head.

When I saw my mother again, I told her, "I told you not to go over there." I also told her that she should have went the way everyone else ran, instead of running with the gunman.

But for about 3 weeks before this incident my mother had had a kink in her back that wouldn't go away. She could barely wear heels. As a matter of fact on that very day she was walking tender like because the pain of the kink. But since the day of the run, which is over 5 years ago, she hasn't had that problem with her back again.

The battle is not yours. That simple statement says so much. Once we stop fighting our own battles things get so much better. I mean there are some things that you can handle on you own, but there is so much other stuff that lacks any impact and just serves to upset us. So why battle? Usually when the battle is done, we don’t feel any better, we just have a story about how petty we behaved.

I’m trying not to let the inconsequential things upset me because 1.) that’s what the other person wants, or 2). that’s not what they want and they are just socially inept and mean no harm. or 3). they just have an mean personality. In either situation getting upset is foolish and perhaps harmful.

Momentarily things may still get me, perhaps that’s just my nature but once I think about it, I realize, “it ain’t that serious.”

Once I was in a deposition and my client got crazy with the opposing counsel. That woman got black. I had to ask for a break. The counsel took me outside and said “Nicole, you better talk to your client because if he wants to go there I will take it there. I don’t know how you deal with that man.”

I’m thinking, “your client is probably paying you $250+ an hour, let him act stupid.”

So I take my client outside and tell him to behave. He was giddy almost skipping. The fact that he was able to upset her, put him on a super high. After that he kept telling me that she couldn’t handle him.

Another work story is a white lawyer that practically cursed me out, outside of court. This was my first solo lawsuit and I was making multiple motions that required him to do extra work on short notice. For one of the motions, we were in the clerks office and he said “I had to stay up all night and spend my weekend responding to this crap, I don’t appreciate all the time I have to spend for this sh*t.” He said a whole lot more but I can’t recall the details.

I said “Don’t they pay you over at "High-Brow" law firm? What are you whining about, I’m helping your firm get billables.” (his client was an insurance company. If my client is an insurance company, please drag that thing out at make it last forever)

He replied “oh they pay me very well, but I bet you aren’t getting paid.” I just looked at him. I wasn’t getting paid, but I didn’t share that with him. I was representing the plaintiff on a contingency basis.

Anyway I realized that the man was stressed out so I kept giving him motions, and yes the settlement happened shortly thereafter. I did however bring my father to court each time after that, I felt the need for a male presence just in case the man went postal. But I didn’t let him know I was fearful of bodily harm or that I was totally shocked by his tone and comments.

Never let them see you sweat, in fact don’t sweat. It ain’t that serious.

Answered Prayer

I didn't hear myself pray
But I guess he really does know the heart
An inner yearning so deep and suppressed even to the one in need

The prayer was answered
Without my assistance
Without my interference

Some things I have been given the strength to do
Every thing else I have turned over
I didn't realize I had turned this over

I knew I had let it go
He gave it back in a way better than my understanding
Positivity and love has been my gift

A gift greater than any I could have requested
or known to request
It's amazing what he'll do if we let him
I finally know what that means

Note to Self

Are you tripping off the trivial sh*t?
Come on now how long does that crap last?
Were you briefly offended?
What the ****?
Move the **** on.

If you think about it, it's amusing
Laugh and I bet you'll catch on
The humour is.....it's silly
And if has no effect on your soul

They could even steal you life
But didn't you say you believed in God?
That's not the end
It only sped up the inevitable

It's unfortunate that you were mometarily caught off guard
But now you are on your guard
Knowledge is your power

The world isn't a horrible place
It's the place you let it be
If the joy is yours no one can steal it
No one can erase that inside smile

Mere words can be piercing
but don't let them harden your shell
Stay soft, someone needs it

Don't let the past control your present nor future
If you do, the person who did this to you wins
Do you really want such trifling behavior to change who you are?
Can you handle knowing that yout life, your love, you
has been reset by someone who never meant you any good?

Um, but you don't have to be stupid to be smart

Beautiful Day

Laid back and chill
Of course you can call
Intelligent with edge
Holla at your girl

Social yet private
Great mix
Name brand educated and still real
Yum

Modest with reason & room to brag
Thank you Lord for an unvain man
Loves his family in deed and word
A heart of gold

Attentive without the smother
A necessary balance
Proper etiquette and manly with it
Sexy

Beautiful dichotomy
A blend of spice with nice
A gentleman that can let the woman be strong
Whoa. Why are you single? Oh- you’re not.

Need to Impress

Well a particular "friend" (I'll call her Ms. Chick) in my life has begun to show her true colors. She's always shown them but now she seems to have lost control of how to manage them. She acts so bougie. Notice I say act. I enjoy true bougie, but fake is awful. But I never hate on her, I allow her to be who and how she wants to be. She tries to portray a cultured image. But folks can cultivate the type of persona they want.

In law school, I wondered why she didn't get along with any of the other black people and years later I realized its because she is super competitive and has to be the most fabulous. My personality allows people to be as fabulous as they want. I even will encourage an ego. I'm happy with who I am, so why would I begrudge someone the joy of pretending to be who they want to be? Practice makes perfect and maybe one day she'll be that person. I'm realizing that these type of personalites are bred of insecurity.

Well Ms. Chick is getting on edge with me. I think she is trying to test my finances. But I won't let them be tested. I'll happily get out her mix. I know how much money I've got, I know how much I can spend and I feel no need to attempt to live beyond my means just to make someone think how I'm living is in my means.

Well for years Ms. Chick had been extolling to me the greatness of her boyfriend. I never doubted anything she told me. Why the heck would she need to lie, and especially to me. For the length of time I've known her, almost 9 years now, I've just now got a serious relationship. So why lie to the single girl? The fact that she had a man was more than I had, so why make up stories about his wealth, and business prowess.

Just this past year she lied to me about his office space. Yes ya'll something that trivial. The lie she told was 100% voluntary. I didn't ask her anything about her man. Liars are bad, but I think they are worse when they volunteer a lie. If you lie for protection, you can feign justification, but when you volunteer, folks know you lack somethings.

So today I found out this grand office space her boyfriend has is virtual office space. But this lie let me know that what the hairdresser said was correct. "Ms. Chick is trying to impress you, she is jealous, negative, not professional and your business will do better if she's not around." It's some other stuff going on too.

Ms. Chick always tells me how much she makes. I don't care, I can't spend her money. She has spent the year telling me she was going to buy a house because she made so much and needed the deduction. Well I happened to fall into a house that exceeds the purchase price she had set for herself. I think that upset her, because like I said, now she is trying to test my finances. I had to tell her my mortgage comes first.

So I'm moving on, saving some money and perhaps with the money I save I'll do something nice for myself. Ms. Chick has unknowingly done me a money saving, comfort giving favor.

Romance

The rain is romance
It brings its own lighting
No need to close the blinds in the daytime
It inspires a cuddle
As I listen to the sound of the rain and hear his heartbeat

The rain is my permission to wear my comfortable clothes
Romance doesn't feel like silk
It feels like flannel, warm and comforting
It feels like cashmere, smooth and soft
When it rains I want flannel, I want cashmere
I want him

The rain wants me to slow things down
That's romance, no rush
Time to savor the warmth, the joy, the peace
Each raindrop is like a kiss
Perfect

Married Life

I'm not married but I am on day 6 of my guy's week visit. It's been fun, we've had some disagreements, we've conquered them and his presence hasn't annoyed me nor has it made me think living with a man and him in particular would be unbearable. Mostly its been very enjoyable. The strangest part for me is the bathroom situation. I had always assumed that I would need a minimum of 2 bathrooms to have a successful marriage. I only have one bathroom and except for the shock of seeing the toilet seat up, I haven't been disgusted by what I imagined a man's bathroom habits to be.

Although whenever I'm at his house, I've never noticed the seat being left up. I question this? No - I don't think he is harboring a woman in his home but I know that the toilet seat is always down. Things that make me go hmmm?

We've even managed to get along with just one t.v. He loves football and sports and we have found a happy medium between my shows and his. In fact my soap opera just came on and he seems intent to shower for the entire hour.

Well I've actually been cooking, and enjoying it. My domestic tendencies are showing. I like preparing meals and since he's a better cook than myself, I've learned to make a couple things.

Perhaps this is the honeymoon phase. Whatever it is I'm going with and enjoying the flow.

Getting Up Early

Is the time you wake an indicator of success? I don't know Oprah, Donald Trump or Bill Gates but I bet they get up very early. The few people that I do know that have amazing success at a young age, barely sleep and they are loving what they do.

I always intend to start my day at 6:30 and on many mornings I'm up by that time, but getting out the house before 9:30 is another story.

I hear "A" list celebrities talk about their early morning calls and leaving home at 3 a.m. so they can be ready to film at 8 or 9 a.m.

I'm thinking I need to get up early and actually get things done. Plus, I'm thinking if I'm enjoying what I do it won't be a drag to get up, as Dr. Phil said about doing what you love, I'd want to sleep fast, so I could start the day again.

Spreading the Word

Many of my thoughts center around work. I'm self employed and doing my best to start a second venture that has been my dream for more than 10 years now.

So I've been spreading the word. At first I didn't want to share my dream (outisde of my family) because if it didn't work out I didn't want folks asking me what happened. But as I've began to share, most people want to help or be a part of it, or recommend me to someone that has some assistance to offer to me.

Well at a house party thrown by my mother this Sunday, I asked my aunt if she knew a woman who owns a very successful ad agency. I have been trying to find a connection to this lady for a couple of months. I've also been trying to find a connection to anyone in the advertising world.

Well I don't know if this ad lady is a Delta, (a couple years back our newspaper had an article about the deb ball her daughter was in and I knew it wasn't the AKA affair and I thought it was Delta) and since my aunt is a Delta and around her age I thought perhaps their paths may have crossed somewhere. My aunt didn't personally know her and couldn't provide me with a direct link to her.

So I was telling my brother the story about my search for this woman and how our aunt didn't know her. He posseses a photographic memory and recalled that the deb ball was put on by the Links, so the woman might not be a Delta. He also told me he knew the woman. She had contacted him regarding some business relating to the company he works for, told her she knew him and he assisted her.

He promised to send her an email with the request that she have a conversation with me about my business venture.

I'm super excited and realizing that in business spreading the word can sometimes be beneficial and spreading the word to the correct people is even better. I was asking the wrong people.

Magical Date

Okay this blog is about a date I had, my guy reads my blog so he's gonna have to read about himself in this one.

Well this date was magical because it consisted of my favorite things and my guy didn't even know they were my favorite things.

So I'm there visiting ( almost 300 miles seperate us) this was probably our first couple outing, first time without family and/or friends.


The conversation went something like this

Him: So what do you want to do?
Me: Anything is fine. (I know guys actually want an answer when they ask that)
Him: Do you want to see a movie?
Me: Nope, we can't talk during the movie.
Him: Do you like Jamba Juice?
Me: Yes, I do (super excited, I lu-uvvv Jamba Juice , I drink them when I want to treat myself)
Him: Well I thought we could go to Jamba Juice and my favorite Sushi bar is right next to it, so we could go there
Me: Sushi? you eat sushi? What kind?

Ladies I wanted to jump with glee. Sushi is what I eat when I want to treat myself . Sushi for me is like my permission to relax and just enjoy. Jamba Juice is the same thing. Plus both are so expensive cuz it takes much Sushi to get full. This man was offering me three of my favorite things without even realizing it. Him, sushi and Jamba Juice. Ya'll I had to tell him.

Me: I usually only eat sushi when I get paid, it's how I treat myself.
Him: smile
Me: And I love Jamba Juice, I drink it when I want to treat myself. I never imagined that I'd ever have a man that I really like, sushi and Jamba Juice all together. It's like my fairytale.

The small pleasures in life really mean so much. This is not some fru fru guy either, he isn't petite nor does he drink tea with his pinky out. He's like a football kinda dude, which makes it all the better. A man with a liking for delicacies.

The day was beautiful, there was an art festival and we walked along and looked at the various sidewalk art and yes, he held my hand.

I sigh just thinking about it.

Side note: the best thing about my building is that it is across the street from my brother's building. In the middle of writing this blog we took a walk to the bank. I didn't want to go to the bank but being self employed I sometimes have to work on my clients cash schedule. We have lunch together on lots of days and sometimes we run errands together. It's fun. END SIDENOTE.